Recipe(tried): I can relate

Dear Jo,
My daughter was 16 when we got a divorce. I knew it was hard on her, but didn't realize it was as hard as it was, until I faced her becoming 'Bulemic' - when they eat and then vomit. During school, she would go to her father's house at lunch time, eat small amounts with him and he would go back to work. She was free to vomit in private. Her cousins and girlfriends sorta thought this was happening other places too and one of her girlfriends told her mother, who was a nurse. She told her daughter to tell Debbie (my daughter), to tell me right away what she was doing because it was dangerous! It scared Debbie and she did tell me. I immediately took her to my doctor and he gave her a complete physical, with a good talking to about how he had also done this in college and what can happen. He asked her if she wanted to go to counceling and she said, 'No', and promised that she could handle it and would stop. Well, she did stop. She can be very strong, and this WAS something she could then have control over - 'giving it up'. His check-up showed no damage. She had only been doing it for a few months - thank God! He explained it to me like this: People become so unhappy in certain situations that they have no control over. They don't understand what's going on. They think there's something wrong with them and that they may have had something to do with the problem, - and feel their body is the only thing they can control. Their feelings and emotions are torn apart, confused and out of control. They feel awful and want their lives back, and under control. They choose to vomit because this is one thing they can do. It's a feeling of complete control. They have no idea what damage can be caused. Think about all the people (friends, relatives, movie stars and famous people) you have heard of that have had this problem - their lives were not very happy ones at the time - or, most of the time the problem was not theirs to control. They were the victim. Be firm, (so she knows there is someone strong, whose life is not falling apart, and is willing to help her) but very understanding, supportive, loving and tender with her. She needs it. Right now she is much more important than the family problem or the adults involved. Her reaction is stemming from someone elses problem. When she gets through this, and she will, she will be a much stronger person - if she has concerned and caring role models to care for her during this time.

With God's help, her age, and her strength, Debbie was strong enough to turn herself around, but if I had a younger child, like yours, I would ask the parents to each talk to her about their problem, and have them explain that the problem has nothing to do with her, and that they love her very much. If they will keep her informed 'a little' on what's going on in their lives, that would help. Children understand much more than we give them credit for. It would make her feel important and a part of something - not separate and alone, not knowing what's going on. This might also be a good time to give her something that belongs to 'just her' - maybe a pet to talk to and care for - to keep her mind off herself, or some kind of lessons (music), or a sport that she could throw herself into. (This advice comes from my 'hindsite') Maybe it can help someone else.

This is something we think of happening to 'others', not ourselves, but it does.
I will pray for you and the child - that you are led to do what is right for her, and to give her the strength to turn herself around and back to good health - to be a carefree child again. I feel sad for you because I 'remember' how I felt when I found this out about my child. I know this isn't your child, but I'm sure you feel just as close and concerned. To think that because of my choice of divorce, I unknowingly hurt my 'favorite little girl'. I always called her that. And she would say, 'that's because I'm your only little girl (with a smile).

Jo - if God cares for the sparrows, what more will he do for us?

Debbie is 29 years old now, very happily married, and after 5 years of marriage is going to have her first child the end of November. The ultra-sound says a girl. I was 29 years old when I had Debbie, my last child.

I hope this helps in some small way. God Bless you all!
Linda :-)

NOTE: the scissors are checked - I've definitely tried this.