A caring heart and a word of advice

Jo/Az, I feel so badly for you. You're in a really tough position and so is your granddaughter. Most anorexic behavior is about control; the child cannot control the behavior of others but the one thing they *can* control is their food intake. Untreated, it, can eventually control the child. I know; it happened to me at the age of 17. I was a fat teen, there is no doubt about that. But, my father told me that I could not go away to attend college if I didn't lose weight. He and I had a horrible relationship so, I stopped eating from that point forward. I dropped 65 pounds in 4 months and my father was ecstatic; I, however, was passing out in school. My mother was begging me to eat, withholding car priveleges unless I ate something. Lawyer that I have always been, I'd grab an apple and say "see? I ate something." Well, I got to college and gained the freshman 15 pounds and panicked. I would eat a meal every other day. I jogged 3.5 miles a day, played tennis, and rollerskated. Mind you, I didn't *enjoy* those activities; I was just afraid of gaining weight. At a size 8, I herniated a disk in my back and spent 8 weeks confined to bed, unable to walk. I tried not eating but the doctors said I wouldn't get better if I didn't. Of course, I gained some weight during that time and once I was up and about again I had to stop anything other than walking and swimming. All of this is to tell you how much I screwed up my metabolism. I don't lose weight on 800 calorie diets. I now weigh well over 300 pounds and have decided to focus on trying to live a healthy life (walking regularly and getting balanced nutrition) because weight loss as a goal only causes me frustration and anger.

Here's a little advice that I hope you will take in the caring spirit in which it is intended. You wrote: "At the daddy's home there is another auntie that babysits, but she is a poor example no matter how nice her personality....she's 5' tall and about 450 lbs (honest!). There are few rules the children have to follow there, and no meal standards." If the nutrition your granddaughter gets at the dad's home is poor, that's a valid complaint; your granddaughter will learn unhealthy nutrition habits. If there are not set mealtimes at that home, that's a valid complaint; your granddaughter will learn unhealthy eating habits. If your complaint is about the auntie's weight then, it's important to understand that your granddaughter's ideas about food and weight and self-esteem start at home. Your reaction to her aunt's weight may convey that she is unloveable as an overweight person. She will learn shame and have low self-esteem, a combination that can be dangerous in a teenager. Based on how the adults in her life react to overweight people, she may learn to have an unhealthy relationship with food, to fear it as I did.

I understand your fear about your granddaughter's behavior and you're right to be concerned. But, please, take this as an opportunity to examine your family's attitudes toward weight and beauty to be sure that what is being conveyed to her in words *and* actions isn't contributing to the problem. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sorry this is so long; I would have emailed it if there were an address to send it to.